Love...

Love. A four letter word with so many different meanings. You can love your pet, your family, friends, a significant other, an object. Yet, what does it mean? What is love? How do we know we're feeling it?

Questions I ask myself every day. How do I know I love someone? How do I know that it's not lust or loneliness? If I've never felt love before in my life, will I know when I feel it?

Don't get me wrong, I love my family, my best friend, and her family. But when it comes to a significant other, I've never loved them. Sure, I cared about them. But love them, I don't think so.

Love confuses me. I've seen people say they love someone yet hurt them every day of their relationship. Cheat on them, hit them, lie, leave. How could you do that to the person you supposedly love? Or say that you love them and want to be with them forever then divorce them? I just feel like when this happens, the person either has A) not really loved the person, but just really cared about them. or B) never knew what they wanted so they went along with what their significant other wanted.

I want love. I want to experience that love that you'd take a bullet for them and you KNOW that they would do the same for you. That love that will be there no matter what the situation is. That love where you argue and minutes later it not matter what you where arguing about because seeing that person in pain kills you. That love where you don't need papers or a ring to define your relationship. That love you can grow old with.

Love is beautiful (or so I've heard), but it's also dangerous. To think, true love starts with eyes locking and butterflies flying wild in your stomach. It then leads to a crush. Finding out how the other feels isn't always going to go the way you'd want it to go. It's all for how it's suppose to be. Getting hurt early is better than getting hurt in the end while emotions are deeper.

I like someone, a person I never thought I would even see in that way. And now, I don't like it. I've set myself up for disaster. It's not going to happen between us now or ever. I'm not impatient. I would wait, but I know that that's just setting me up for disaster. She likes someone else, and she's just attracted to me. I can't put myself in that situation again. Not anymore.

My last relationship was about two and a half years ago. It ended on okay terms, but our friendship ended horribly. After that, I often wondered what I would feel if I saw her again. Would I be upset, happy, pissed off at her and the world? I bumped into her about a month ago. She was shocked and all smiles, and I had no expression whatsoever. Not heart flutters, no anger, just... nothing. I kept it short and went about my day.  I was surprised at myself because that has never happened, but I'm glad that that's how it went. I'm still alive and on about my life.

I may not know what love is, but I'm optimistic about the future and how I will find out what real love is. I will find it one day. Then I'll look back on this blog post and say, "now you know."