If I Was to Die...

If I was to die tonight, I would be disappointed in the life that I have lived.
A life that I've barely lived, to be exact. I would shake my head in the person
that I was. I was never happy in the skin/body I was in, yet never really did
anything to make it into the body/skin I wanted. I never went out, never dated.
I always let people walk over me, never put my foot down. I have lived a very
disappointing life. The rare occasions that I've had a smile on my face, were
never really something that lasted long. I've never been in love, have had sex,
but have never made love. I live strong externally, yet drown in my sorrows
constantly. I've always loved and cared for others more than they have for me.
I've never felt good enough, even when I speak. My thoughts/feelings aren't
important enough. If I was to die tonight... I still wouldn't know who Vanessa
really is.

Moving and looking ahead.

As some of you may know, I recently moved back to Tennessee in August. Thinking that things could go better here than they were going in Miami, I left my family, job, and my non-having Miami life back and became a Tennessean once again.

Life here right now is not bad, not like it was when I first got here, but it's not how I'm suppose to be living. I am living with my wonderful pregnant best friend and her husband. In a one bedroom apartment. Including a seven month old blue Pit bull. And don't get me wrong, I love them all and I love being with my best friend much much more after not having her around for two years, but... it's not how I envisioned my life to be at the age of twenty one.

As I was talking to my mom one day and I realized that being away from her... isn't fun. She has gone through so much this year with her health and body that I feel like I need to be right there with her. I need to be with my mom in Massachusetts again and take care of her and help her. I am not a mami's girl, but that's my mom. She's both my mom and dad. She is my whole family. Without her in my life, I would not have one.

First week of January, I will be coming to you Methuen, Massachusetts.

One thing that I've realized is that I have been wanting a relationship. That I don't want to be alone. Because of that, I've been putting myself down. Feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. Because I've been single for about two years. I see almost everyone I've gone to school with or grew up with is married and or has a kid/pregnant. And I want that. Not saying that I am ready for it, but I want it. It seems like it's amazing to be a mom and a wife and have that unconditional love. But like I said, I'm not ready for all of that. Maybe a real relationship- actually, not even that. Because I haven't even started on working on myself. In order for someone to actually love me, I have to love me unconditionally and happy with myself.

Buddhism has been slipping away from me. Vise verse. I've been slipping away from Buddhism. I've let this year and everything that has happen to me take over me, my mind, soul, and body. I need to stop stressing about the things I can't change and change the things I can because I deserve to be happy.

I'm changing my life. I will be living my life more and be in touch with my spirit and the world I live in. Work on my physical and internal so I can be who I need and want to be. One hundred twenty five pounds and happy every single day of my life.

Being lazy will not be part of my world any more.

Love...

Love. A four letter word with so many different meanings. You can love your pet, your family, friends, a significant other, an object. Yet, what does it mean? What is love? How do we know we're feeling it?

Questions I ask myself every day. How do I know I love someone? How do I know that it's not lust or loneliness? If I've never felt love before in my life, will I know when I feel it?

Don't get me wrong, I love my family, my best friend, and her family. But when it comes to a significant other, I've never loved them. Sure, I cared about them. But love them, I don't think so.

Love confuses me. I've seen people say they love someone yet hurt them every day of their relationship. Cheat on them, hit them, lie, leave. How could you do that to the person you supposedly love? Or say that you love them and want to be with them forever then divorce them? I just feel like when this happens, the person either has A) not really loved the person, but just really cared about them. or B) never knew what they wanted so they went along with what their significant other wanted.

I want love. I want to experience that love that you'd take a bullet for them and you KNOW that they would do the same for you. That love that will be there no matter what the situation is. That love where you argue and minutes later it not matter what you where arguing about because seeing that person in pain kills you. That love where you don't need papers or a ring to define your relationship. That love you can grow old with.

Love is beautiful (or so I've heard), but it's also dangerous. To think, true love starts with eyes locking and butterflies flying wild in your stomach. It then leads to a crush. Finding out how the other feels isn't always going to go the way you'd want it to go. It's all for how it's suppose to be. Getting hurt early is better than getting hurt in the end while emotions are deeper.

I like someone, a person I never thought I would even see in that way. And now, I don't like it. I've set myself up for disaster. It's not going to happen between us now or ever. I'm not impatient. I would wait, but I know that that's just setting me up for disaster. She likes someone else, and she's just attracted to me. I can't put myself in that situation again. Not anymore.

My last relationship was about two and a half years ago. It ended on okay terms, but our friendship ended horribly. After that, I often wondered what I would feel if I saw her again. Would I be upset, happy, pissed off at her and the world? I bumped into her about a month ago. She was shocked and all smiles, and I had no expression whatsoever. Not heart flutters, no anger, just... nothing. I kept it short and went about my day.  I was surprised at myself because that has never happened, but I'm glad that that's how it went. I'm still alive and on about my life.

I may not know what love is, but I'm optimistic about the future and how I will find out what real love is. I will find it one day. Then I'll look back on this blog post and say, "now you know."

A Random Post. The Best.

So it is currently 12:34am in the lovely place of Murfreesboro, TN and I am watching 'Abducted: The Carlina White Story' on Lifetime. Keke Palmer did a great job in this movie. It's scary to know that things like this happen every day. People are kidnapped. Some aren't found, others are... dead or alive. To me, the way the woman who abducted her, is crazy. Well, the way they portray her in the movie. I understand all of the pain she went through losing 3 babies while she was well into her pregnancy, but that is no reason to kidnap someone else child and destroy their lives. It doesn't make any sense to me. She should've taken the doctors' advice in the beginning of the movie: adopt. If you couldn't do so, dogs make great companions, they end up feeling like kids in the end.

Today... well, yesterday, was my orientation for my new job. It's seasonal, but it could end up being a permanent position after December. I hope so because since I am nocturnal, the shift I am working (6pm-4:30am) is perfect. I am working at an Amazon warehouse packing up the products that need to be shipped to the customers. Which seems pretty easy. Let's just hope it is. I start today and I am excited, nervous, awesome, and better.

Speaking of my new job, we have badges with our photos on it. And I really do not like the photo on my badge. I look so fat. Beyond fat. It does have to do with the way the camera was angled, but I am fat. I realized that long ago. And I need to change that. I plan to do so after the 19th (first paycheck). I'm buying my workout gear (clothes, shoes, weight lifting gloves), buy the food I need to, and a yoga mat. And give myself a late birthday present. Which will probably be two tattoos. I'm not sure yet. I'll see once the day gets here.

I'm going to finish watching this movie, watch the special about the real Carlina White, and be on Tumblr for a while until I get really tired.

Until next time...

My Life is Changing...

As things are still tough, I'm still growing and learning.

I'm gathering knowledge from every thing around me. I observe people and how they handle situations. I want to be one of the people in life that when someone does the same, I'd be the strong one.

I want to do things now that'll make my child(ren) proud of me and want to be like me. To strive and succeed, to be determined and get there.

I want to love all I do and do what I love.

My life is changing and I'm fine with that.

Weight Loss Going Nowhere...

I will start off by saying that I am not fat, but I could lose weight. I am 5'1" and I am currently in the 160's. I'm not sure of where exactly because I haven't weighed myself in a while. I am trying to get down to 125lbs. I don't have an exact time to where I want to be that weight because I haven't started on my journey yet. The day I start it, I will put a three and a half months time on it. I can do it. I know I can. I've lost 15lbs before and it was fast and fun to me. And it made me feel better and more comfortable in my skin even though I wasn't weighing as much as I wanted to. Just knowing that I was making that progress alone and not doubting myself was just enough for me. You could feel the happiness coming out of my pours when being around me. Now I'm back with being unhappy with my 15lbs gained.

I'm not completely unhappy, I just know that I can be happier in my skin and be more confident about myself and the way that I look. I don't go shopping for clothes anymore because I don't feel good or "right" in wearing the clothes that I like. My style doesn't involve showing much skin, but I like my clothes to fit me. To where I can squat and my whole butt crack or back show and to where also my boobs can breathe and not be in pain in a shirt/blouse I have on.

When I get a job, I'm going to buy everything I need to lose weight: running shoes, work out clothes, sports bras, yoga mat, healthy food, and good earbuds + iPod holder. And I'm also going to dig deep inside of me and find that determination that I once had and keep it! I miss that happy person I once was... I have to find her again.

So, these past few days, I've been wondering... how can I determine myself without depressing myself with horrid torturous thoughts? Well, I went on Tumblr and searched up the tag 'weight loss' and I saw that a lot of people made a list of goals and what how they would reward themselves for coming so far and losing that weight. It gave me an idea and the best idea I could ask for. So here is my list of goals:

•150lbs: Get a bar piercing.
•140lbs: Buy myself a new pair of running shoes.
•130lbs: Get started on my side tattoo.
•125lbs: Get a whole new wardrobe and throw out all old clothes.

That is my list so far, but I'm pretty sure I'll add more. I don't want to weigh anything less than 125lbs. I refuse to. Once I get there, I'll focus more on toning my body. Not too toned. Just...perfect. P.S: My list does not include birthday or Christmas wishes. (21 days until I'm 21! WOO!)

One thing I am so scared is losing too much of my boobs and ass. Although, I've always had a fat ass. If my boobs want to go down to a C cup, that's perfectly fine with me.

I just want to be happy. Happy to where I can love myself. So someone can love me... So I can date and shop and go out and love every second of it.

That's all for this post. When I start my journey, I will be posting every other day on it. Foods I eat, work outs I do, all of that fun stuff.

Until next time...

Job Hunting (Ugh!)

Tomorrow I have to do something I dread doing, job hunting. Now, why would I hate doing such a thing? Well, it involves filling out applications over and over and over with the same questions back-to-back. It gets frustrating.

But I have to do it if I want money. Which I do want it. Needing it now more than wanting. I need to make enough money to get a car. After that, I need to find yet ANOTHER job that'll pay me so much better and offers me better hours so I can eventually get my own apartment. Heck, even a studio would be fine! Studio apartments are the places to be!

I also eventually want to start school. I was thinking about going to be an ultra sound technician. I mean, why not? They make pretty good money. And who wouldn't like to look at babies in the womb everyday?! (I know there's more to it, don't worry.)

Getting an education will help me SO much more in life. And I cannot wait until I start school. I need to get on it. Time stops for no one. And I'm not getting any younger.

Well, I have nothing else to talk about for this post. So it's time for me to update my iPod, which is very much needed. Until tomorrow...

Back from Hiatus (finally!!)

Hello my lovely blog! Oh, how I've missed you! Beyond missed!

I've been gone for so long! Why? Well, because I haven't had internet connection for a very long time. Since my last blog post, actually. And also, I've been going through a lot this year we are currently in. From being pretty much homeless and broke to moving out of state to being pretty much homeless and broke again.

Life hasn't been very easy for me this year. Whatsoever. But I'm taking each day as a learning experience and it make me stronger. I've also found out who are people I can and cannot trust. And there not many I can, too many I can't. That's life.

Well, I hope that I can keep up with my blog more and get it to be how I would love for it to be.

Until next time...

Corn Snakes

As you can see by the title, I'm going to be talking about snakes. Corn snakes to be exact. Why would I be blogging about such thing? Well, because they're my newest infatuation. Corn snakes are one of the snakes that are not poisonous. Which, I think, is why I like them so much. I'm not going to lie, I will never adopt a snake that could kill me. Another thing I saw was that they actually like human contact. I've seen videos and pictures of how they wrap themselves in peoples females hair. Which intrigues me. They also love to just be held and love to explore. One thing that scared me about having a snake is I don't want it to escape. I would cry. I honestly would. I'm already attached to my future snake, it's ridiculous. I've been on this site just reading up as many facts about their habitats, diets, colors, etc. I'm also going to buy a book soon so I can read up more. Too bad I have to wait until I get my own place to adopt one since my cousin does not like snakes. But in all, I am excited about getting one. Right now, I'd rather have a corn snake than a dog or cat... Although I'm probably going to adopt a dog AND a snake... A snake first, though.

OneTwentyFive by Summer Time

Being skinny is something I've wanted to be since I saw myself being obese for my height.
I don't want to be a very skinny girl, I honestly just want to be healthy.
I want to go shopping and be able to find things that fit me at every store I go to,
I want to be able to take pictures that show the full me and not be ashamed,
and most importantly, I want to be able to walk around being comfortable in my skin.
Point of it all, I just want to be comfortable and love myself. To wear a smile and it not be fake.
My goal is to be onetwentyfive by the summer time so I can go to the beaches again and
flaunt my hard work and, of course, be fully happy with myself. ♥

Bienvenue TwentyTwelve

I cannot believe that it is twenty twelve already. To me, it's pretty unbelievable. It feels like it JUST turned twenty eleven.

Anyway, there so many things that I would like to accomplish this year. One of the main things is to start college. The reasons why I didn't start school is I never took the ACT. Without haven't taken the ACT, I would have not gotten into school or I would have taken it at a later time where I wouldn't have remembered a lick of anything that was on it. I was also broke so I couldn't pay for it.

At the age of twenty, I'm still not sure what I would like to do with the rest of my life. I really love photography, graphic design, writing, and art. But I feel like I am not good enough for any of those things.

I also want to learn how to read music, play the guitar, and take vocal lessons to perfect my vocals. Music is my true passion and who I truly am, but growing up, I never had any teachings or help with it.

Which means that now, twenty twelve is the time to start the journey of my dreams. Even if it's not going to college, then music and vise versa. 

My goal is to be happy and be able to give my future child a good living as I possibly can.

Twenty twelve, please be good to me.