If I Was to Die...

If I was to die tonight, I would be disappointed in the life that I have lived.
A life that I've barely lived, to be exact. I would shake my head in the person
that I was. I was never happy in the skin/body I was in, yet never really did
anything to make it into the body/skin I wanted. I never went out, never dated.
I always let people walk over me, never put my foot down. I have lived a very
disappointing life. The rare occasions that I've had a smile on my face, were
never really something that lasted long. I've never been in love, have had sex,
but have never made love. I live strong externally, yet drown in my sorrows
constantly. I've always loved and cared for others more than they have for me.
I've never felt good enough, even when I speak. My thoughts/feelings aren't
important enough. If I was to die tonight... I still wouldn't know who Vanessa
really is.

Moving and looking ahead.

As some of you may know, I recently moved back to Tennessee in August. Thinking that things could go better here than they were going in Miami, I left my family, job, and my non-having Miami life back and became a Tennessean once again.

Life here right now is not bad, not like it was when I first got here, but it's not how I'm suppose to be living. I am living with my wonderful pregnant best friend and her husband. In a one bedroom apartment. Including a seven month old blue Pit bull. And don't get me wrong, I love them all and I love being with my best friend much much more after not having her around for two years, but... it's not how I envisioned my life to be at the age of twenty one.

As I was talking to my mom one day and I realized that being away from her... isn't fun. She has gone through so much this year with her health and body that I feel like I need to be right there with her. I need to be with my mom in Massachusetts again and take care of her and help her. I am not a mami's girl, but that's my mom. She's both my mom and dad. She is my whole family. Without her in my life, I would not have one.

First week of January, I will be coming to you Methuen, Massachusetts.

One thing that I've realized is that I have been wanting a relationship. That I don't want to be alone. Because of that, I've been putting myself down. Feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. Because I've been single for about two years. I see almost everyone I've gone to school with or grew up with is married and or has a kid/pregnant. And I want that. Not saying that I am ready for it, but I want it. It seems like it's amazing to be a mom and a wife and have that unconditional love. But like I said, I'm not ready for all of that. Maybe a real relationship- actually, not even that. Because I haven't even started on working on myself. In order for someone to actually love me, I have to love me unconditionally and happy with myself.

Buddhism has been slipping away from me. Vise verse. I've been slipping away from Buddhism. I've let this year and everything that has happen to me take over me, my mind, soul, and body. I need to stop stressing about the things I can't change and change the things I can because I deserve to be happy.

I'm changing my life. I will be living my life more and be in touch with my spirit and the world I live in. Work on my physical and internal so I can be who I need and want to be. One hundred twenty five pounds and happy every single day of my life.

Being lazy will not be part of my world any more.

My Life is Changing...

As things are still tough, I'm still growing and learning.

I'm gathering knowledge from every thing around me. I observe people and how they handle situations. I want to be one of the people in life that when someone does the same, I'd be the strong one.

I want to do things now that'll make my child(ren) proud of me and want to be like me. To strive and succeed, to be determined and get there.

I want to love all I do and do what I love.

My life is changing and I'm fine with that.